Monday, July 9, 2012

Maybe men dont want to read this.

Emotion always has its roots in the unconscious and manifests itself in the body. 
  ~Irene Claremont de Castillejo

And if you could take every emotion I feel in a day, most of those seem to be tied to being a mother. I'm pretty positive that my body wanted to be a mom so badly, it convinced itself it was pregnant. And me, if I'm being honest with myself. 

The thought of getting pregnant again is very scary. Terrifying. However, as I have researched what happened to Molly and Kellen more, it has seemed increasingly unlikely that this could happen again. Though, that was how we comforted ourselves while pregnant with Kellen. 

Lucas and I talk about getting pregnant as if we were looking under landmines for diamonds. The risk is great, and could really really permanently damage us, again. But we've seen those diamonds. We held them in our hands just before the mines went off. Maybe, just maybe, we could try again? Maybe if we're extra careful, we could get away unscathed. 
Then again, walking up to that mine and picking it up is the first step. You HAVE to risk it in order to ever get that perfect diamond. And to do so now would mean we would be limping up to the mine, unsteady, wounds not yet healed from the last time we tried. So, mentally, we had settled on the idea that we would try again one day, years from now. Risks are less scary when you can no longer strongly feel the pain of a negative outcome. 

In April, my monthly visitor was welcomed with a sigh of relief. 
In May, she did not come.  The week after she was due, Lucas and I started to panic. You could have heard us say "I can't lose another one" over and over had you been a fly on the wall in our room.  The negative tests were a comfort.
By June, when my visitor had still not shown, I was starting to feel a little pang of sadness when three more tests came up negative. Around this same time is when both birth-moms had also stopped contact or picked someone else. Adoption was now also starting to feel like an elusive dream, so a positive pregnancy test would at least be a step in A direction.
By July, I began to believe that the tests were all wrong and maybe I was pregnant. The one BIG clue when I was pregnant was that someone stopped visiting. Well, she still wasn't here. Unfortunately, I had also been losing weight and had no symptoms. 

Today, I took a doctor ordered blood pregnancy test. The results came up negative and on Wednesday I go in to see what's going on. It's probably nothing. Like the quote at the top says, I kinda feel like my emotions are showing themselves in my body. I am a mixture of sad that I'm not pregnant and relief that I might not have to face another tragedy. I still feel fear about pregnancy, though hope is growing. I feel 100% happy and excited and hopeful about adopting. It feels right.

I've been thinking about the first year Lucas and I were married. We started trying to get pregnant just 4 months after we were married. And while, yes, we are parents and we have children who we love with all we have, we still go to bed without tucking in our little ones. We dont kiss any little cheeks or help teach colors and numbers. We are still where we were three years ago when it comes to that. Three years? You never think it will be you...

p.s. This post was meant to be more informative than sad, but I read it to Lucas and he said "Sad one" which surprised me. Don't worry, I'm doing alright. Sometimes writing things out can make it seem like that is ALL you think about, but we are seriously happy. I'm pretty sure we laugh together 90 percent of the time. Also Spider Man is a good movie and Banana milkshakes from sonic are amazingly delicious and in my belly right now. That sums up my evening.


Taylor Morgan said...

You just made me want a milkshake. We miss you guys!

Jason and Bria said...

you have such a strong heart amber! remember working at the hotel! that was fun!