Back in the burg I completely bombed an interview.
Granted, this was just four weeks after we lost Kellen, but still- I did really bad.
The girl interviewing said things like, "We are looking for someone who is really happy!"
Naturally, my response was "OOOHH HAHHHAHA " (Giant fake grin)
Nothing was funny. My laugh at nothing was too loud for the tiny hallway office, and it ended much to abruptly and brought a deafening silence.
I could almost smell the annoying all over myself.
She gave me a half smile and dismissed my obnoxious fake laugh.
Then she said, "You will have to work every third Sunday, is that something you are willing to do?"
And, seeing no point in lying, I said, "Obviously, I don't want to do that. But I need a job."
I've never been more charming, I swear.
I think she wanted to be my best friend. I could tell because she said, "....mmm. Yeah. We are going to take a look at some other resumes and then, uh, we'll call you. Probably by Friday." She pat her hand on a huge stack of 2 other resumes and gave me a smile as she stood up and motioned me out the door with her elbow.
I walked to my car and literally laughed out loud at myself. I've never done so poorly or been so unable to be human at a job interview. I drove immediately to Lucas' work to tell him that I think I am broken and to share the embarrassing, yet, humorous interview story.
I figured, now that it's been a few more months and we are in Colorado this would be easier. People live here because they want to, and most jobs will pay decent wages because there aren't 986298346 students applying. However, I have had no luck in the last week and a half.
I have decided to be a nanny again. At first, we thought this would be a bad idea. We thought it would be a little too painful to be the one caring for someone elses baby when day after day all I think about and want is my own.
Unfortunately, as I have applied at other jobs they all seem so unimportant. The only thing I think I could really put my heart into is taking care of kids. And luckily, I'm a really good nanny. I really really care about the kids I watch and I want them to have fun. Of course, it's not always fun, but for the most part its the best kind of job I've had.
I have an interview to care for twin newborns. Its in a week, and I am excited for it. The pay is good, I will fall in love with the babies (if I get the job), and I only hope that I will be able to do it without it becoming emotionally painful or something. I still love other babies, and just because I want my own doesn't make me not want to be around kids.
Lucas and I went to the cemetery yesterday. We brought a little baby doll for Molly and a tiny hot wheels car for Kellen. I'm not much for bringing toys instead of flowers, but flowers are really expensive and they were all VERY feminine (Valentines?) So I went with the toys.
We got there and drove down to "baby land". There was another family there visiting a little baby boy. They had shovelled a path through the snow to their son's headstone and the mom and dad were each holding another toddler and they whispered things to eachother and stood there for a while together. They made me both hopeful for a day when we will explain to our kids about their angel siblings, but also sad because we came so close to having that, but instead we now have two headstones buried in the snow instead of one.
Unfortunately, we did not have a shovel, and since Molly and Kellen have flat headstones we had no way of knowing exactly where to place our gifts. We stood in the snow for a while and guessed where they were, but eventually we left and decided to come back when the snow has melted a bit more. We would give them their gifts then. That was a bit disappointing.
Because this post ended up sounding more grumpy and sad than I actually feel, I feel a strange need to say that I have the best husband in the world. Also, my dog is amazing.
I'm not really sad today.
In fact, I played Mario for like two hours and I was amazing at it.
Lucas basically falls more in love with me when he sees my skills.
Maybe I should put that on my resume....
"Shockingly good at playing Mario Wii. A real team player!"
I like it.