Thursday, February 16, 2012

Some Nights...

...are harder than others.

I am currently sitting in my in-laws bathroom wrapped in a fuzzy blanket with a computer on my lap, just crying. I'm trying desperately to distract my mind from the negative and jealous thoughts that I can't keep from filling it.

I just saw that a friend of mine just found out she is expecting twins.

You  never know when it will hit you, or what will trigger it, but tonight that news stung.
I stared at the words on the screen and her happy exclamation points.
I told Lucas. He got quiet and looked at the ground and said. "Oh...wow." I could tell it was hard for him to hear too.
I'm pretty sure we were thinking the same thing right then..why does it seem so easy for everyone else?
I layed on my back in bed a few minutes later and listened to Lucas as he fell asleep.
I tossed and turned and wished I could get the feeling of intense loneliness to leave. Without meaning to, I imagined the "charging" light from the computer was actually a night light, and just beside that light would be a crib. Inside the crib is a baby. And I would be laying awake now just listening to the sounds of my child as they dreamed.
I wished it would be Molly, then Kellen, then the baby we hope to meet soon through adoption.

I started feeling so sad and then angry and knew sleep would be impossible.

So I came in here to try and occupy myself.

I really want to put on some warm clothes and get in the car. I want to drive to the cemetery and shovel away the snow that is covering my babies. I want to lay on the ground, and maybe then, if I am close to them I'll be able to sleep. Maybe then I'll dream about them, and I'll finally see their eyes.  Then they can remind me they are with me always. Maybe if I layed there with them I would be able to remember that I AM a mother. Maybe waiting wont hurt so bad if I can be near them.

4 comments:

Carrie Lynn said...

Sweet Amber. I love you. I will help you shovel the snow.

Gordon & Julie Bird Blog said...

Your blessings will come, sweetie. It's the waiting that is hard. Bless you and pray for you during that wait.

Kelsey said...

Amber, I really admire your courage, strength, and spirit. You are stronger than you think. Hang in there. So many people admire you and want what's best in your lives. The Lord is blessing you. Keep your chin up, you are an incredible woman.

Katie said...

Oh Amber. People are SO insensitive sometimes. I'm so sorry. It really isn't easy for everyone else. It seems that way, but it's not. I'm sorry you don't have your babies with you. But they are there in spirit always.