Some Nights...

...are harder than others.

I am currently sitting in my in-laws bathroom wrapped in a fuzzy blanket with a computer on my lap, just crying. I'm trying desperately to distract my mind from the negative and jealous thoughts that I can't keep from filling it.

I just saw that a friend of mine just found out she is expecting twins.

You  never know when it will hit you, or what will trigger it, but tonight that news stung.
I stared at the words on the screen and her happy exclamation points.
I told Lucas. He got quiet and looked at the ground and said. "Oh...wow." I could tell it was hard for him to hear too.
I'm pretty sure we were thinking the same thing right then..why does it seem so easy for everyone else?
I layed on my back in bed a few minutes later and listened to Lucas as he fell asleep.
I tossed and turned and wished I could get the feeling of intense loneliness to leave. Without meaning to, I imagined the "charging" light from the computer was actually a night light, and just beside that light would be a crib. Inside the crib is a baby. And I would be laying awake now just listening to the sounds of my child as they dreamed.
I wished it would be Molly, then Kellen, then the baby we hope to meet soon through adoption.

I started feeling so sad and then angry and knew sleep would be impossible.

So I came in here to try and occupy myself.

I really want to put on some warm clothes and get in the car. I want to drive to the cemetery and shovel away the snow that is covering my babies. I want to lay on the ground, and maybe then, if I am close to them I'll be able to sleep. Maybe then I'll dream about them, and I'll finally see their eyes.  Then they can remind me they are with me always. Maybe if I layed there with them I would be able to remember that I AM a mother. Maybe waiting wont hurt so bad if I can be near them.